Your Hands

I have so much updating to do.  We have been busy with mini-vacations, grandparents, first day of school, etc.  I haven't had the motivation to get it all posted yet.  I haven't really had the urge to sit down and blog in awhile.  I have an urge to blog tonight, probably because I have to get something off my chest.

Does all the heartache in the world ever overwhelm you?  Its getting to me lately.  Besides my own troubles, I see so many friends and family with their own struggles and heartache.  Friends with a baby in the NICU, multiple friends struggling with infertility, marital problems, death, and so on and so on....

I want to help, but I don't know what I can do to help.  I sit and think on it and I weep.  I weep for me, for them, for the pain of it all.  Life is hard.

Here is a song I heard a few months ago.  Its a wonderful reminder in all those hard times that, "One day [He] will set all things right."

"Your Hands" by JJ Heller 

Family Pics 2012

I've been meaning to get these up on here for awhile now.  Our family pics!  ...from this spring, never mind that it is almost fall.  I found an awesome deal on 'DealFind' (a groupon type thing) and we had them taken at the Philadelphia Art Museum (made famous in the Rocky movies). 

We did pretty good, its always so hard to get a good pic of everyone in the same photo, Jared tends to grimace and I cannot take a pic without squinting my eyes (its genetic).  Now I just need to send pics of the kids to grandmas so they can update their 'showoff' photos. 

Philadelphia in the background.  City hall is just to the left of us, I love that building.  The bunny is 'Teagan Bunny'.  We made it at Build-A-Bear for Teagan shortly after she died.  We all cuddle it when we get feeling sad.

On the famous "Rocky Steps"

Picture with my honey

I love all the architecture.

 With the Azalea bush, I was sad we missed all the cherry blossoms

I just want to squeeze this kid all the time!  Poor boy is always getting smothered by Bentli and I.

She is growing up so fast.  She looks so much older now than when this was taken.  I already need to update.. Ahhh.

With their favorite person in the world.  As they say, "Best dad EVERRRRR!"

This captures Bentli's Diva personality

Teagan's Birthday (part 2)

Teagan's birthday was a hard day, but a good day.  It was nice to start it off visiting the hospitals and donating the blankets.  Then the rest of the day was about us.  It was a good mix of down time and busy.  I think a year of those monthly milestones helped me figure out what I needed for this day.  If I'm too busy, I have a complete mental breakdown.  But, too much downtime allows for too much 'pity me' time.  I think we planned the day just right.

 

  Look at these gorgeous flowers!  I have wonderful friends!!  My sweet neighbor Krista brought me flowers in the morning.  Then, Mary Jane, an amazing lady I work with in the Primary brought me some in the afternoon.  It is amazing how flowers can just brighten your day.  It was so thoughtful of them.

While Jared was working on a talk for Sunday and taking a little snooze, the kids and I ended up looking through Teagan's photo book and talking about her.  We all miss her so much.  Bentli and I had a good cry together.  Its so hard to watch your children grieve.  I want to take it all away and make it better... I can't.  Just like no one can take away this pain from me, unfortunately I can't take it away from them either.  Instead I hold my children close while we cry the healing tears together.

Bentli decided to write a card to Teagan... and she said it perfectly.  I couldn't agree more.

Tate decided to draw a picture of Teagan (I love his drawings). 

After this very emotional and hard discussion/crying session I looked out the window and saw this:

 

The way the sun reflected off the clouds reminded me of the picture of the Second Coming when Jesus comes again.  The one where Jesus descends out of Heaven with the angels trumpeting His return.  Look here to see what I'm talking about.

Anyways, it brought me peace like nothing else could have at that moment.  It was a message from our Heavenly Father.  Saying, "Remember!  Remember that this is not the end.  Remember that someday you will have Teagan back in your arms.  Remember my plan!"  It gave me the strength and peace to make it through the day.  And you know what, even though the rest of the day was sad, I had peace through it all.

We all decorated Teagan's cake together.  Well, I guess I should say that Jared gave his input, the kids licked the icing out of the bowl, and I decorated. 

That evening we went to the park with the Clarks and the Bradys.  These friends are our 'Philly Family'.  They have been there for us so so much this past year. 

Cole, Taylor, Lucy, Macie, Bentli, and Tate

Caroline, Troy, and Sherrie

We played, had cake and ice cream, and did a couple different 'releases'.   Okay, so I had bought some sky lanterns to release for Teagan.  Then the weather was classic Philly and completely unpredictable.  There were scattered thunderstorms.  I had a slight panic, the sky lanterns won't work in the rain.  So I bought some balloons as a back-up.

The weather was fantastic... we released both!

 We wrote the names of all of Teagan's 'friends' on the balloons.  Some of them family; many of them Angel Babies of women I have connected with over this past year.  (at the bottom of the post I included a picture of each name)

Macie, Krista, and Ben

Macie was so excited to send the balloons to heaven to Teagan.  It made me smile.

As we were watching the balloons float up to heaven, little Lucy turned to her mom and said, "I miss Teagan."  It makes me cry thinking about it.  I love it.  It was one of the sweetest things I've heard.

Caroline crawling around in the grass.  Caroline's due date was about a week after Teagan's.  They were going to be great friends.  I like to think they were friends in heaven before.  In my mind, she is linked to Teagan. 

And then it was dark enough for the lanterns.  I thought they were so beautiful.  I think we figured out how to do it next year so we can release then all at one time. 

All of Teagan's Angel Friends: